32 years ago, and I remember this picture as if it were yesterday. I am the one in the middle. I felt fat in those jeans. The top was a bit too ‘risque’ for me. I even remember that stain. As always, I did not feel ‘put together’ enough.
I never felt ‘put together’ enough. I was a Senior in college at the University of Texas in Austin, and this was spring break with two German foreign exchange student friends of mine. I was in the midst of an on again, off again imbalanced relationship where I tried too hard and gave too much which later became a marriage in which I tried too hard and gave too much.
But I was determined to ‘enjoy myself’ on this final spring break.
‘Enjoying myself’ meant picking up someone while drinking large amounts of alcohol. I worried I would not be able to find anyone and that no one would like me.
I didn’t ‘hook up with anyone’.
Which I took as a direct result of not being enough.
I had no fucking clue who I was.
I had no fucking clue just how beautiful, unique and worthy I was. Instead I had always felt like a misfit growing up in a white collar, rich middle class area with an excellent school district and insanely large class sizes. My parents were distracted and struggling with ‘Adult’ stuff: health issues with my dad which led to job issues which led to my mom becoming the bread winner of the family.
Which led to me raising myself.
I did a shitty job of this.
I would have fell completely through the cracks if not for books. I was an avid reader going through a stack of books like oxygen.
Books were my mentors, my teachers, my friends.
They saved me.
Who will save the children of today?
A Facebook meme? A Snapchat? A mindless video game?
At 53, I now realize we all feel like ‘misfits’. Even the ones who most look like they fit in still feel those feelings of not fitting in.
I realize it’s okay to be exactly who I am. I have given myself permission to love my home with chicken shit all over the driveway, decorated by Mother Nature with sticks, stones and bones, incense wafting through the air, stacks of books and Goddess statues.
I love every single bit of it.
Except when I travel outside of my bubble to the ‘real world’. And then comparison is still a bitch. “I should be them,” I think to myself with their matching furniture, large homes, clean cars and Lululemon dressed children.
But I’m strong enough these days to dismiss those thoughts. Fine for them, and I can even appreciate their life and beautiful lawns, but not for me.
You do You.
I’ve learned how to do that.
I’ve learned how to be happy.
Who will teach the children of today to be happy?
People will let you down. They will piss you off and irritate you beyond belief. They will be selfish and immature and do things that hurt. They will misunderstand you. And sometimes they will understand you perfectly and not like you for it. You will have let them down.
And sometimes they will be exactly what you need.
Sometimes, you will connect with laughter, through tears and fun and song and poetry and hugging and sex and you will have a ‘moment’.
And that moment will sustain you through all the rest of the shit. That moment will guide you on your path.
Find those moments.
We have to learn how to come together as communities in person with all of our personality conflicts and rough patches and still provide places of inspiration, connection and support.
I believe that the answers are Sacred Circles.
Find one. Start one. TheDivineFeminineApp.com
Since I have been on my path with Circles this past decade, I have also had the divine feminine app: a database filled with Circles, events and resources. People, mainly women, but all genders are welcome as the divine feminine is in us all, have been finding the app each and every day.
It is a means to connect us in our local communities and online.
Sign up at theDivineFeminineApp.com – underneath log in – first time user. It is quick easy and free, and you will be weekly emailed local divinely feminine events in your area or online virtual events if there are none yet in your area. You Do You. But Do You alongside some others. In person. Heart to heart. In Circle.
