I Place my Sadness in the Hands of the Goddess

Cernunnos 2021-2022.

Only in feeling my sadness can I learn from it, and deepen through it. My sadness is often my teacher, as I learn to outgrow its causes within myself.

I will not anesthetize myself today. I will not distract myself from the pain of seeing what is difficult to see yet important to look at. Rather, I will look with open eyes on the things I have done to attract my sadness, and commit myself to changing them.

Marianne Williamson

‘I have learned the lesson,’ I tell Life.

Life says, ‘Great.  It’s test time.’

I wake up Sunday morning, and my cat is dead on the road.

It is my fault.  I let him out.  I had friends over Saturday night and in my distraction and tiredness, I let him out at night.  I should not have.

His absence echoes throughout the house.  All I hear is the sadness of the crickets chirping.  Everywhere I look, I see him.  Sitting on the windowsill playing with the frog.  Jumping on my bed for loving and then purring while he snuggles.  In my sunroom, lounging on the chair while I meditate.

He was my shadow.  And my shadow is gone.

‘Gone. Gone.  Gone.’  The crickets sing.

‘Alone. Alone. Alone.’

My divorce was finalized in May of this year.  I am in yet another period of transition in my life, and this is a big one.

I have let go in my life those who do not see me.  And it is quite lonely. 

The ones who do.  They are precious.  Manna to my heart. 

There will be more.  I know that. 

But you have to make room first. 

You have to sit with the crickets.  The silence.  Yourself.

You have to say, ‘This.  This is enough.’

You have to breathe.  Deeply.  Accessing that eternal ancient silence and peace within you.

It is enough.

Even the crickets have stopped.  And in the silence I sit.  The sadness bubbles up.  And all the repeating thoughts, ‘It is my fault.  I am stupid.  I am not worthy.  I have failed again and again and again.  I deserve this pain.  Poor me.’  All of those thoughts come bubbling up with the sadness, peeking around the corners, saying hello, it’s me again. 

Nope.  Releasing you.  I will sit in the silence.  I will sit in the sadness.  But I will no longer sit with you. 

The theme of the Circle on Saturday was Becoming You.  The theme of the Circle was that it is just as important to say No as it is to say Yes in becoming You.

I’m saying No.
I’m saying Yes.

This Version of You
Simply Becomes Real
And You are Right Here
With this Version of You
To See Things as They Really Are

This Version of You
Looking At You
You Looking Back

This Version of You
Welcoming You
This Version of You
Saying Yes.

– Odesza This Version of You

They’re Only Thoughts
… It’s Only Water, It’s Only Fire, It’s Only Love

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